Preparation, Experience and Reflection in the Classroom

What kind of teacher will I be?

On the very day I walked into Murphy 216, my first classroom, I took it all in in one breath. That was a long LONG long breath, because here is where a new identity began to form, where I began to see myself as a teacher. On this first day, I stood at the front of the classroom—a clean, unused chalkboard behind me, bright, white lights gleaning ahead of me beaming life into my chestnut-colored eyes, and in front of me sits eight long tables—four to the left and four to the right of me where 20 seats remain, 20 empty seats. This is where my destiny awaits. Certainly I am oblivious to all of the imperfections of teaching at this very moment, but eventually the thought of this new identity and destiny will subside to constant and consistent worries.

And the truth is, the questions I have can only be answered as we begin in this profession. There are some things that are in our control and others that are not. It begins with belief. I was a nervous wreck the morning of the first day of class and although this overwhelming feeling of nervousness eventually subsided, it surfaced similarly again on the morning classes began that spring. As I am now preparing agenda for my classes for the fall semester, I can say with certainty that this feeling will surface once again.

Over the course of the last year, I have had many instances where I allow myself to explore further, analyze situations and ask myself what more I could have done. For myself as a graduate teaching assistant, it is an opportunity and a time reserved for self-critique. I ask myself, “Did I handle this in the most appropriate manner?”

I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. Teaching is not a perfect profession; it is a profession where we may alter a student’s life, where we may provide he or she with the necessary skills to succeed in whatever faction we decide for ourselves. For me, my area of interest is composition. It is my duty to help entry-level college students learn the necessary skills of reading and writing where the basis of communication begins for many of us. Now, this is a very base definition of my duty.

Personally, I also wish to will my students toward a common goal—to question and to forego inquiries in this wide world. I wish to challenge them and the inner walls of their own world where they reside….comfortably. For we may not determine that our students receive a liberal arts education if they are not pushed and challenged and challenged and pushed. It is not my wish for my students to change necessarily; although, I wish unto to soles of my feet that they do because without change, we may never mature into our real selves. We are never critically aware of what surrounds us and that for me is what I seek to do in addition to the written standards the State of Missouri has demanded of me in clear and written discourse.

So nothing prepared me more for an email I received from a student of mine in April after I had emailed grade updates to my students in that late evening. Before I divulge the string of emails between this student and me, it is only appropriate if I provide some background knowledge as I assume any teacher might. Dan, as I will refer to the said student here, enrolled in English 104: College Writing and Rhetoric in the fall, the first course that I taught in my position as a graduate teaching assistant.

Dan began his undergraduate years at Missouri Western State University in the spring of 2009. He was enrolled in English 100: Introduction to College Writing, where he received an A. For those students placed in English 100, these students receive very low scores on the ACT of which deems them unable to effectively communicate in writing also using the appropriate rules of grammar and punctuation. He was also placed in a developmental reading course, which he did pass. Until now, we, as teachers, might assume that he may struggle in English 104 only in moderation. However, in truth, he struggled immensely. As I came to learn, Dan had been passed on his entire life. In one encounter he explained to me, a high school teacher had fallen asleep during school hours.

I first learned about his struggles with writing the first week of class after I had assigned a letter of introduction. This was an opportunity for me to get to know my students, but to also see where each student was at in his or her writing and what help he or she might need. When I read Dan’s letter of introduction, I did not know how to respond. Dan wrote:

When you meet someone I know that you would like to know something about that person. Things that has to do with school, life outside of school and just people in their life altogether.

Not knowing what was going on for real but she seen when we got out of school things was getting bad over on Ashland and my friends and I was getting shot at and every time the police came that way I always ended up in handcuffs because they was reading the information the wrong way.

Although this was not completely terrible, I was dumbfounded because I did not know how to respond to this. I assumed that my students would be able to construct clear and concise sentences. What I found was that while Dan had original ideas, these ideas were overshadowed by major grammatical and punctuation errors. I did not know what to do.

Luckily, a mentor of mine is the director of developmental writing and placement. I showed the letter of introduction to Dawn Terrick, the director, who, like me, was surprised that he was in English 104. Through Dawn’s research, I found that he had been through English 100 and received an A…which again, Dawn and I found alarming. She encouraged me to set up a meeting with Dan to discuss my concerns and the possibility that he may not pass. She also encouraged me to work with him at least once a week and encourage him to visit the Center of Academic Support, a center where students may seek academic help.

I did just that.

Dan and I met once a week on Friday afternoons for an hour. I encouraged him to bring in something that we were working on in class and together, we worked on matters pertaining to grammar and punctuation. I encouraged him to visit the CAS, but he did not.

Over the course of the semester, Dan continued to work with me outside of class and although I saw some improvements, I was afraid that if he passed, I would fall in line among those who simply passed him over. It was not enough for him just to meet with me, but I felt he needed additional help. Unfortunately, he could not get all of the help he needed through me. However, when the end of the semester came and I calculated grades, he passed with a mere decimal point…I was scared. I did not want to be seen as one of those teachers, but at the same time, I could not simply fail him on that accord because that would violate the ethics of the matter. I didn’t lie to him though, I told him that he would struggle in English 108: College Writing and Research.

He enrolled in my course for the spring.

Just had been my guess, Dan struggled and he fought with me all the way through English 108. I did my best to encourage him to work with me like he had the semester before, but he did not nor did he visit the CAS. His writing was a mess. He also blatantly told the class that he stopped reading the texts because he wasn’t interested in them and because they were not appropriate. Again, I dumbfounded stood at the front of the class thinking….

Did you really just say that?

What happened to the student last semester that so graciously worked with me side by side?

Who are you?

I was honest with Dan about his lack of progress in the class. He insisted that he wanted to work on his own and not with others including myself. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I talked with other colleagues and mentors who informed me that I had done all that I could. He was in charge of his own fate.

In April, Dan and I corresponded via email. This is where it all began … and ended.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Amy Chastain

To:

Date: Tue, Apr 20, 2010 at 11:04 PM

Subject: English 108

552/988

55%

--

Amy Chastain

B.A. English, Journalism and Public Relations

MA Student, Written Communication, Writing Studies

amichelechastain@gmail.com

Dan wrote back, in short, these words:

From:

To: Amy Chastain

Date: Tue, Apr 20, 2010 at 11:20 PM

Subject: English 108

Is it me? Is it something about me? I have worked my ass off this semester. I have completed all of the writing assignments you have required. What is it that I have to do? What do I have to say? Don’t you understand where I am coming from? I have never worked this hard before. I attend nearly every class period. Why is it that I am failing? How in the hell do I have a 55 percent? There are others in this class who have a passing grade and they don’t attend as often as I do. I have a disability. Doesn’t that matter? Doesn’t that count for something? I told you this on the first day of class. Now I don’t expect you to pass me just because I complete the writing assignments and because of my attendance. I want you to know that when I write, I am not worried about grammar and punctuation, but about the content. This is what I want you to see. Isn’t that the most important thing? Isn’t that what you teach us?

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Although, I have rewritten Dan’s words, what I have constructed stands as a mere ounce of what he felt in the emails he sent to me. What he did have to say, honestly, is between Dan and me, but he represents such a large percentage of our students today—he is an image of those who are passed along daily.

This was the first instance that I had heard of a disability. In my syllabus and on the first day of class, I review the disability policy, which states below:

Any student who has a special need or disability that may affect his or her performance in this class should let me know before the end of the first week of classes. Disabilities include, but are not limited to impaired hearing, vision, and/or reading disorders. You should also contact the Disability Services Coordinator Michael Ritter for further assistance.

Phone: (816) 271-4430

E-Mail: mritter@missouriwestern.edu

Even if Dan had informed me that he had a disability (and I assume so), I need proper documentation that states as such. Such documentation might have helped Dan and me. It might not have ensured his passage of English 108, but it might have helped.

It is disheartening to witness students like these passed along and while they are not to blame wholly, they are set up to fail. We set them up to fail just as his teachers did. He is angry and he has every right to be. Although, he did not take every advantage possible to improve his writing, we can see why he doesn’t want to try. Dan recognizes where his faults are. He is angry that he has been passed by. He knows it. And I know it. I wish there was more I could have done. I wish this story had a happy ending, but it did not. I don’t need to tell you what happened. All I can say is that I did not fall among the ranks of those who passed him by.

This is what kind of teacher I am.